Brace yourself--flood of emotions coming out.

As I write this, it is 1:00 am and I can’t sleep. It may have been the five hour anesthesia-induced nap I had earlier today, it may be that my mind is running 200 mph and won’t slow down, or it may the stupid crickets I can hear out my bedroom window. Regardless, I’m sitting in the pitch black at my kitchen table, hearing the rain on the window, dog at my feet as usual. He doesn’t seem to have a problem sleeping.

This blog entry may come as a shock to some of you, and many of you may be surprised I am sharing so much personal information with others who had no clue anything was going on. In addition to sharing funny stories about my kids, or how I ran over my husband’s golf club, or how I deal with teaching high school students, this is a place for me to share my feelings, my thoughts, and my opinions. So I will break for today with the funny stories and pictures of vacation to share the thoughts running through my head at 200 mph.

I suffered a miscarriage today. My third. Doesn’t get any easier, let me tell you—first, third, planned pregnancy, or an accident. And this one seemed destined to make it—almost two weeks ago my mom and I saw the heartbeat, plugging along. We also learned that this had been a twin pregnancy, but a baby didn’t form in the other sac. Only one baby. So we grieved what might have been—two little babies, but still feeling optimistic this one baby might make it since we’d seen the heartbeat. Monday Bobby and I went back for another ultrasound, and there was no heartbeat. The baby looked like a baby—exactly like it should, just no little thump thump chugging along. She gave me the option of waiting up to two weeks to see if I would miscarry naturally, but I’ve been there, done that. We scheduled the surgery today, and all went well. Except I am no longer pregnant, and I can’t sleep.

I remembered studying in psychology the different stages of grief, so tonight I looked them up.

I can feel the sadness in every pore of my body. The sadness is overwhelming. I find it hard to speak over the lump in my throat, and end up just nodding my head. It was all I could do to hold it together in the doctor’s office. I don’t want to see another pregnant lady or baby for awhile. I don't want to talk to people about it, because I just can't get through two words without tearing up.

Anger quickly replaces the sadness. Why did this happen to me, AGAIN. How can 18-year-old kids (or younger) have babies, and I can’t carry them to term? How can people see what I saw on that ultrasound and then have an abortion? How can people do that? I feel angry when people say, “it was meant to be” or “you’ll have another” or “it was just God’s way.” These things make no sense to a grieving person, and are definitely not a comfort. I’m angry that I gained weight, more since my body thought it was growing two, and now I have nothing to show for it.

Ask Bobby about my irritability. The sweet, patient man brought me flowers today, and I laughed at him because I thought they looked tombstone flowers. I have no patience and am just plain cranky. I’m irritated at this weight gain with no baby to show for it. I’m irritated that I can’t stop crying. I’m irritated that I’m angry. I’m irritated that I feel guilty. I’m more than irritated that I can’t sleep.

Disbelief for me is a quiet thing. The nurse today said I was very calm. It was because I couldn't believe I was here in the hospital going through this again. I can’t believe I won’t be pregnant again. I can’t believe I won’t ever hear the doctor say, “It’s a boy!” “It’s a girl!” I can’t believe I won’t ever get to watch the girls with a baby brother or sister.

Guilt wears heavy on my heart too. I have two beautiful, wonderful, darling little girls. Who is to say I need any more? I have family members and close friends who can’t get pregnant, and would love to have two little girls. Why should I be sad that I don’t have more, when I should count my blessings that I was able to have two? I know they say there was nothing I could have done, but what if that isn’t true? What if the baby’s heart stopped because I went bowling? Or because I carried my daughter? Or because I walked for eight hours in the heat at an amusement park? Who is to say there isn’t something wrong with me?

This pregnancy ran the gamut of confusion, particularly with my emotions. We weren’t trying to get pregnant, it just happened. So at first I was scared—I’d had two miscarriages, couldn’t handle another one. We weren’t ready for another baby, so I wasn’t excited initially. I felt guilty about that. Then I found out about the twin, and grieved that loss while slowly getting excited about the one with the heartbeat. The shock of discovering no heartbeat this week was earth-shattering. Now I’m confused again—am I okay with not having another? Families of 4 seem so much easier, for a variety of reasons. The girls won't have to share a bedroom. We can finally clear out our basement and have a garage sale. After next year, no more day care! These thoughts lead me right back to the guilt—I shouldn’t be having these thoughts; I just lost a baby and I shouldn’t be trying to move on. Millions of people can’t have babies, and I shouldn’t be trivializing the loss of this one.

I’m not writing this to gain sympathy. I’m turning off the comments, and please don’t email me or send me sympathy cards. Please don't try to talk with me about this, or look at me funny the next time you see me. That’s not what I want. I’m using this in the true form it is—my journal. Maybe someone will come across it who has had a miscarriage, and it will bring them peace to understand their emotions are real and they are not alone. That’s what I want. And maybe some sleep.

What NOT to do to your husband...

...run over his $300 golf driver with your car and not tell him about it. Whoops. Sorry, honey!!

Coming home today

Tonight we'll be loading our school bus in 97 degree heat and traveling home. It's been very nice to relax, take naps, and watch tv. We basically watched Jon and Kate + 8 all the time. Still dealing with the girl drama, and if it continues all school year, I will go insane.

Last night was bowling, and I bowled a whopping 67. I don't think I've ever been any higher than that. Sometime I'll post pictures of me with blue face paint, to go along with the rock star look. It was nice.

Usually I get the girls stuffed animals or snow globes on my trips, and this time I found a t-shirt store where you can personalize t-shirts. I made one for Kaylin that says "Sassy like Sharpay"--Sharpay is from High School Musical and one for Macy that says "Sweet nibblets"--Hannah Montana's popular phrase. They are going to be so excited!

Rock Star Me!

Ever wondered what I might look like as a rock star?

Here you go:




Last night the kids decided all 13 of them, plus me, needed to look like rock stars for the Rock Band contest last night. I'm willing to go along, as it helps with the much needed bonding to bring the staff closer together. I can't remember the last time I've had that much hair spray on my hair, or had my hair ratted out with a comb. All for a good cause...

Off to camp

Long day today...the newspaper and yearbook kids and I headed out to the journalism camp we go to at K-state. We've had numerous problems with the hotel rooming situations, and plenty of high school girl drama that is driving me nuts. Is this what I have to look forward to??

I have to admit I'm looking forward to a week alone in a hotel room (sharing with one of my best friends, the yearbook adviser, but still...) No cartoons, no kids fighting, and if the girl drama resolves itself, a relatively peaceful week.

New Cast AND 1 year blog-versary

Macy got her new cast today--a purple waterproof one. We still had to use the waterproof sleeve at camp tonight. It was funny to listen to her explain to others: "I have to wear this because of the bacteria in the lake." She'll wear this one for another month or so, then we'll see!




Tick count from camp:
Macy: 5
Me: 1
Kaylin: 0

And I've been blogging for 1 year today! My first post was about our trip to the zoo with my dad and the birds who landed all over him. I currently have 2,240 hits, although that doesn't go back a full year. I usually average about 15-20 hits a day, sometimes less on weekends, and sometimes more on certain days. And take a look at the countries. The number is the number of people, not individual hits.

395 United States
17 Japan
13 Canada
13 France
11 Germany
3 United Kingdom
3 Finland
2 Spain
2 Sweden
2 Czech Republic
1 Switzerland
1 Australia

What started as a way to keep others in touch with the girls has really expanded. As I'm sure many bloggers have found, it gives me a place to write, which is truly my first love. Hopefully you've enjoyed what I've done so far, and here's to another exciting year in the blog world!

So tired, so tired...

Kaylin had a major breakthrough at swim lessons this morning, and has started putting her head under!! This is HUGE for her! And even better--she went down the slide! Macy won't even go down the slide. Kaylin went down probably 5 or 6 times, going underwater each time and then running around to go do it again. I was soooo proud of her.

We've done 2 days of camp, and holy cow are we all exhausted!! Kaylin had several meltdowns today. Tomorrow after swim lessons we are all taking a nap. Tonight's camp experience was better than last night's. And I pulled four ticks off Macy--none off me or Kaylin.

Two funny things I heard tonight:
1. "One hour is two Hannah Montana shows. A half hour is only one Hannah
Montana." (In case you weren't sure how long an hour really is...)
2. "Why haven't they cut this grass?" (It wasn't very tall, maybe brushed the
top of their shoes.) "I don't know, maybe they don't own a mower."

Busy week coming up...

This week coming up will be BUSY. The girls have swim lessons in the morning again. Hopefully the weather will cooperate like it did last week. Macy gets her new cast on Thursday, which should be waterproof.

Then at night this week they have Girl Scout camp. Kaylin isn't an official Girl Scout, but she gets to go as a "tag" since I am volunteering. The tag's get to go everything the bigger campers do, but they are separated from the big campers. Macy is with 4 of her friends, so she is pretty excited. Friday night she gets to spend the night at the camp, outside in a tent. She's very excited about that.

Yesterday we spent the day getting ready for camp, with much help from my mom. We made the situpons, which are exactly what they sound like--something soft and waterproof for them to sit upon. Then we made our t-shirts. They colored all over it with Sharpie's, then sprayed rubbing alcohol on it to bleed the colors. Kaylin's is, well, interesting to say the least. They will wear the t-shirts every day.

The big part of our night was the SWAPS--Special Whatchamaticallit Affectionately Pinned Somewhere. The point is to hand make something, put a pin on the back, then on Friday they trade them with others.

Kaylin's is wooden stars that she stuck foam stars on. She did all the stars herself, and was very proud of herself. Mom hot-glued the pin on the back. Her SWAP was very cheap and very easy, which was the point.

Macy's is more complicated. The theme of the camp is Paradise, and the name of her unit is Pink Island Girls. So she wanted palm trees. We used wooden popsicle sticks for the trunk, hot-glued green leaves cut out of green foam, and made a base out of brown felt. Mom again did all the hot-glueing. We enjoyed listening to her squeal when she burnt her finger on the hot glue. I wrote Pink Island Girls on the tree branches, and then Camp 2008 on the popsicle stick. I think they look cute, and she is excited to hand them out on Friday.

We'll probably be resting a lot in the afternoons this week. Maybe even a nap or two.

Happy anniversary to us!

Yesterday was Bobby and I's 10th wedding anniversary. Hard to believe we've been married for 10 years! I wish I had more details from the wedding that I remember, but the lovely pneumonia took care of my memories, other than pictures and video filling in my memories for me.

Macy went to a friends house for a sleepover, along with 6 other girls. Kaylin went to Mom and Dad's for a "special sleepover" by herself, and Bobby and I went to dinner and rented a movie. I wish I could say we had an exciting night, but it was low-key, and we enjoyed having time alone with two little girls constantly interrupting us.

It's been a wonderful 10 years, and I can't wait to see what the next 10, 15, 20, 30,40,50 and 60 years bring. (I'd go farther than that, but I realistically don't think we'll live to be that old.:) )

Swim, girls, swim!!

It's been a pretty quiet week. I realized I hadn't blogged since Sunday! The girls have had swim lessons every morning this week, and they are making great progress. A friend from church has a very nice inground pool with a slide, and another friend is teaching lessons in the pool for the bargain price of $25 a kid, for 2 weeks, 8 lessons total. No where has swimming lessons that cheap! Miss Vikki is great with the kids, and they've had a good time with their friends.

Here's Kaylin, kicking her feet. Later, with her water rings on, she was swimming out to Miss Vikki. Our little princess wore a different swimsuit every day to the lessons.

Kaylin loves to jump off the side to Miss Vikki, not realizing that Miss Vikki was backing up a little bit at time and making Kaylin swim to her.

Macy is making good progress too, even with her broken arm. She can't do the strokes correctly, but she is learning to bob up and down, push off the side and swim underwater. It was hard to get a picture of her in her actual lesson, but here she is goofing off during Kaylin's lesson.



Monday-Thursday next week we have more lessons. I'm excited to see how well they are doing by the end of the time. Macy will have to miss the last lesson; she has an appointment to get her cast changed. I tried to change it, but it would be August before we could get in and I'm not doing that.

No cutting!

The girls and I went through Wendy's drive-thru tonight for dinner. I was behind a green Suburu and had been trying to figure out what kind of sticker was on the back of the car. It was our turn to order, so I pulled up and ordered our food. When I pulled around the side to pay, I did a double take. There was a white Ford Expedition in front of me!! I guess it got inbetween us when I was ordering.

So then I started watching. I did not want them to give our food to the line-cutters. When it is their turn at the window, she hands them her Wendy's cup, they fill it up and give it back to her.

I wasn't too happy about that. Seriously--no one was behind me in line. She had to cut in front of me to get a drink refill? She couldn't have gone inside? She couldn't have gotten behind me in line?

Fireworks are slowing down

The 4th weekend is coming to a close. Thursday, the 3rd, our city had their big fireworks celebration. Apparently they pay the guy $25,000 to do the fireworks. Not bad! As a firefighter wife, I get to park in the first lot, and don't have to deal with the traffic. It's a nice perk!! I was nervous this year, though. Bobby was on the launch pad during the fireworks show. Everytime one of the fireworks didn't get very high, I got a little nervous. And I'm not a nervous person. The fireworks operator told Bobby and the other firefighter if something goes wrong, to wait for the booms to stop before going in. He wanted to be the only dead one, not them too. Thanks. That's reassuring.

Friday night we had our 4th annual 4th of July party. Ended up with about 35 people. I think we had more kids than adults, but it was fun. Several people stayed until midnight, playing games and shooting off fireworks.

Hope you had a nice holiday weekend!

Kid-isms

Both girls said funny things today when leaving Wal-mart.

Kaylin, as many of you know, has a problem keeping her pants up in the back. Bobby's dad always says, "I see your crack, Jack!" Today her skirt was falling down in the back and she says, "Oh, you can see my crackerjack!" and pulls up her skirt. Crackerjack! Too cute!

And I took a different way home from Wal-mart. Macy asked why, because she wanted to go the other way. I said because I was the adult, and I could go home how I wanted. She says, "When I am the adult, and I'm driving you around, I won't go the way you want. Even if you want to go to the movies, I won't take you. Ok, maybe I will. Only if it's a good movie."

No surgery!

X-rays looked good this morning...no surgery!! We go back in a couple weeks for a shorter cast. Of course, Macy and I just smiled as she said no climbing, no jumping... I'm sure roller coasters would fit in that group as well. :)